What Would You Do To Get Back Roxas?
by various crimes
Summary: Roxas gets kidnapped by the ice cream man and utter weirdness ensues. AxelxRoxas and a triangle but not really.


What Would You Do to Get Back Roxas?

Disney Overload

School

A young high school student was busily not paying attention when he heard the sound of angels singing. That was when THE ice cream truck drove up at 5 miles per hour and the music got louder as it approached. Most heard an annoying litany similar to a "jack in the box" but there was a chanting on a different frequency that only Roxas could hear. It said, " Trust in me, just in me shut your eyes trust in me." So he did. He went racing out of the class, careening down the hallways, sliding down the banister and leaping over the bikes, plunging into an icy box where he heard a soft click behind him. Though that did not worry him for he found a treasure, in the form of glowing blue popsicles. Suddenly he heard a scratching noise and an outlandish hiss that was speaking to him. Which sounded like this, Blaasshaalalalarrarrrraarrraagoabblblbblaaaaablllaaaaaa eggs blaaleeeeleeoaaaaaagh. She, because he somehow knew it was female, wrapped her claws around his ankle. He cried out in pain and he heard a man bellow, "Joaannnnaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She climbed up the boy's legs and launched herself from his shoulder out a tiny window. She speedily shimmied over the roof of the ice cream truck, and then down to the passenger window where she may sit next to her beloved master. The man wrapped a black glove covered hand around her throat and growled, "I told you not to touch the boy! He's my one chance of finding the Golden Eagle!"

Joanna nodded subserviently and stuck her tongue out at him when he wasn't looking.

That's when the boy figured out that he was cold, moving, and quite possibly kidnapped. He threw his small fists against the wall where he knew the driver was located.

"What!" came a heated shout.

"The Organization's going to hear about this and stop you!"

"Ohh the Organization, Oh no The Organization! I'm quivering in my boots!" The young innocent ears were assailed by an ugly laugh and a high-pitched shriek from the lizard.

"They'll find you!"

"Not if I claim sanctuary." He smirked, or at least the boy thought he did, "But first a stop at the beach, you must be freezing."

"I-I-I-I'm not cold."

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At the Beach

The blond haired youth contemplated running away but Joanna was prowling the perimeter constantly looking over her shoulder at him, so he remained seated on the picnic blanket. The funny looking man with hedgehog like hair handed him another repulsive, poisonous, and addictive Popsicle.

"Who are you?" The boy tentatively asked.

"Oh we've met before." He cast him a sidelong glance, "Don't you remember you said so yourself."

"I did?"

"Yes, once upon a dream."

"A dream is a wish your heart makes." The boy admitted sitting up. The man leans in and whispers, "and always let your conscience be your guide."

"So this is love?" Ladedade he thought in his head. At that exact instant the titans were unleashed again and they, on their way to Mt. Olympus, moved the entire beach to the top of The Bell Tower. This happened to be exactly where the red locked man wanted to be.

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On The Tower

"So did they give you a name with all those rippling pectorals?"

"Axel, it means Sun God."

"Right."

"I could guess your name. Mildred? No, Zexion? No Sebastian? No Wart?"

"Are you for real? The name's Roxas. My Friend's call me Roxy. At least they would if I had any friends."

"You poor unfortunate soul!" Tears leaked out of green eyes as he held out his arms to pull Roxas into a bear hug, but it was not to be. The stars were not aligned and a drunken carpet swooped down and unloaded something onto their laps. "It's a Girl!" Axel exclaimed.

"Where am I?" She asked peering at him through lowered lashes.

"In a whole new world Hun."

"Wow." She sighed snuggling into him, "It's all so magical."

"Dude Axel!" Roxas snarled, "She's drunk too. You need to take her home."

"No!" She screamed turning to look at the golden haired boy, "I ran away from there and I am not going back!"

"That's fine sweetheart and you can stick with me and you'll never go hungry again."

"Wait." Roxas sniffed, he shouldn't be offering her food that was their thing. His eyes glimmered with hope when she yelled at Axel.

"You're not the boy from the market!"

"But I really am a prince." He remarked.

'Don't worry he's a pathological liar, he said we met in our dreams too." Roxas spat rolling his eyes.

"And what does Abu have to say about all this?"

"Who's Abu?"

"The monkey." She stated.

"The monkey's your uncle?"

"NO!!"

Axel rubbed his hands together as the light bulb went off or on in his head. The monkey is the key to her heart. Thus plan Clayton was set in motion. Find the monkey at all costs. Luckily he always carried a lighter and one monkey or rather the King of monkeys was enthralled with fire. They made a deal, he would tell Jasmine The Truth! He was in fact a monkey, not human, and he legally changed his name from King Louie to Abu.

Roxas found himself participating in the chase as well because even though he knew deep down he was gay, this is Jasmine we're talking about and everyone loves her. Sadly, Roxas could not attract any monkeys. So he watched as the two grew closer and closer to each other. He turned away when they shared true love's first kiss. It was horrible, his worst nightmare. Suddenly he heard a resounding smack,

"Princess I can explain!" He pleaded.

"Did you think I was stupid that I wouldn't figure it out!"

"I hoped you wouldn't."

"It would never have worked between us." She sobbed.

"You keep telling yourself that, love."

"How can I be with you when your hips are better than mine!!!!!!" She runs into the tower crying.

"That went rather well." Roxas mocked. Embarrassed Axel storms away. A little fairy that was is in frenzy flies up to Roxas, "Oh Peter Peter! I've found you at last."

"I'm not Pete-" He began but she sprinkled pixie dust all over him and he began to float.

"Wahh Axel Help HELP!"

Axel rushes back out in battle mode but it is too late, for the tricky little fairy grabbed him by the hand and disappeared to a place that never was.

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Neverland

Roxas screamed and fell onto the deck of the only pirate ship in pirate cove, commanded by none other than Captain James Hook. Roxas was tied to the mast along with several unknown figures, the lost boys. They introduced themselves happily despite their situation: Xemnas, Lexaeus, Xaldin, Saix, and Xigbar. They tried their best to come up with a plan to es-ca-pe.

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Still on the Tower

Axel was beyond bereft he moaned and ripped out some precious strands of ruby hair, when all at once he heard the most cheerful voice in existence.

"Hello I'm Tour Guide Barbie!" She beckoned him with a long plastic arm.

"Is that thing safe?" He inquired gazing at her hot pink levitating convertible.

"Yes shall we proceed to Neverland?"

"Alright."

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Neverland

Captain Hook stole the eyepiece from his one trusty pirate friend and turned it toward the sky, for once more something was falling toward his ship. He quickly aimed his enormous canon at the flamboyantly pink thing. Poor Barbie was shot to pieces. Axel was sad for a moment but he knew he could put her back together. He landed on the deck smiling his winning smile but Roxas was nowhere to be found. He pinched Tinkerbell's wings together and demanded to know where he was and she pointed to the sky. Sure enough Roxas was up there parachuting away with another captain.

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We Can Fly

"Put me down you heathen!" He shouted in indignation.

"Pirate."

"Pirate, put me down this instant or you will pay."

"Jack, the name's Jack, Captain to you."

"What?"

"Haven't you heard the stories?"

"What stories?"

"The Black Pear. I've lost me ship, me crew, and everything, and you're going to help me get a new one."

"Why me?"

"Because you're a pretty little thing."

"But I'm a boy."

" Which is great because I don't allow women on board, bad luck and all."

"Right."

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A Pirate's Life For Me

"Great! This is just great!" The redhead hollered watching his real one true love fly away. An enraged captain, is almost crippled by the thought of losing Peter again, so he took out his years of pent frustration on Axel by asking for a duel. Axel merely barked a laugh and cut his hand off with one of his chakrams.

"And next time I won't miss." He swore. Captain James Hook lost his hook and ungracefully sank into the chair that his trusty pirate brought out for him.

"I will go the distance!" He called out while leaping onto the back of the nearby giant black whale, who was known for swallowing a man whole, and who lurked the depths of the sea but the whale also knew that Axel carried a lighter so this dissuaded him from eating him.

Up Above The World So High

Roxas was beginning to feel some trepidation as the storm clouds gathered and his captor's laughter grew louder. Roxas' hands slipped off the rope and Captain Jack's hands slipped from around his waist, as a nasty bit of lightening struck right next to them. Roxas plunged downward spiraling, somersaulting, back flipping, and eventually nose diving into a tiny hole in the ground.

Captain Jack was shouting nonsense at him from afar.

"Up is down Lad! Down is up!!!!"

Roxas had no idea how that would help him so he shut his eyes waiting to meet his untimely doom. But it never came. Instead this rather alarming voice asked, " Who R U?" The voice emanated from some kind of insect that Roxas did not particularly care for. Though he heard from somewhere that they were juicy and satisfying.

"No really Who R U?" It repeated angrily.

"Is this a trick question?"

"NO it's simple, how doth the little crocodile improve his shinning tail?"

"Uh."

"You bore me, go away."

"Fine I'm leaving." He huffed.

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Welcome to Whale Wash Where The Prices Make you Say Oh My Gosh

Axel stood dramatically with his long coat billowing out behind him and his face getting splashed every few minutes from the whale's blowhole. He had to find his Roxas soon before the clock struck midnight or something terrifying would happen. The whale came to an abrupt stop by crashing into a large mechanical fish, or submarine. The inside of the fish sounded something like this,

"All hands on deck!"

"Sorry Marge I'm going to have to put you on hold."

"Nooooooo!"

"Could someone give me a piece of gum?"

"All hands on deck I said!" Only one pair of hands came on deck and they belonged to a nerdy looking man in glasses.

"Do you speak English Whale Man?"

"Yes."

"Are you searching for the Lost City of Atlantis?"

"No just Roxas."

"Come aboard comrade I knew we had the same spirit!"

"What?"

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Painting The Roses Red

Roxas took a paintbrush from a playing card and began painting all the white roses red. He did his best not to cry as each flower reminded him of his love. Yeah sure cards gave him work but they were the first one's to show him kindness in this crazy place.

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Land Ho!

Milo, the wimpy looking fellow, pulled out a notebook and said, " This is it!"

"What is it?" Axel asked in curiosity.

"This is it, the way to Atlantis my life's work is finally coming to a close!"

" I don't mean to burst your bubble, but that's a gopher hole."

"No no Axel you're wrong." A well-built black man corrected him. " That my friend is a rabbit hole." He clapped his hands together and shouted, "Mole bring out the drills, shovels, what have you!"

"Wait guys do you hear something?" Axel asked. In the not so distant area a group of wannabe opera singers were singing at the top of their lungs,

"DIG BOYS DIG FOR THE GOLD!"

"Are you sure this is the right hole?" Axel pondered aloud.

That's when the old lady noticed that they were in fact surrounded by thousands of holes. She dropped her cigarette and walked off mumbling, "To hell with it I'm going home."

A beautiful maiden appeared out of the woods that the old lady just disappeared into. The young maiden, in stealth mode, crawled into the meadow, glancing deer-like from side to side on the lookout for predators. She approached the one with fire hair for he seemed to be the leader.

"You think you own whatever land you land on." She hissed spitting on his boots.

"Woah lady you got the wrong man!"

" There is no gold here to be found."

" I don't care, look picture this, a man with golden hair and sparkling blue eyes, I would do anything for him, do you understand?"

" I understand." Then she patted his cheek and bolted back into the woods.

"Uh, does anybody else find it weird that she only picked on us?" The guy with the dark mustache queried.

"BEAUUUUTIFUL GOOLD!"

"No I am sure of it this time, this will lead us to Atlantis." Milo continued.

"Fine whatever you're the one who can read."

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Flap like a Birdie!

The Queen was in one of her moods again. The cards scattered and lay all over the place. Roxas stood alone.

"Off With His HEAD!" She roared.

"What? What did I do?"

"You are in my land of hearts and yet you don't have one." She informed him with a cat like grin.

"But how can you know that!" A sleepy mouse appeared on his shoulder and squeaked in his ear, "Run!"

Roxas ran at top speed batting things out of his way with a green flamingo he even managed to hit a hedgehog into the queen's face.

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How Do I Know He's Mine?

Axel ran as soon as he hit the black and white checkered floor, he squished himself through a tiny door and even sat through an intolerable tea party, and he found Roxas as last. They finally got their bear hug and once they got out of the hole, they each rode on camels and discovered the Cave of Wonders.

Milo found Atlantis and the love of his life with a name he can never pronounce. Mustache man blew up the Queen's entire kingdom. Joanna found a bird's nest with lots and lots of eggs. Axel and Roxas found where they belong.

FIN

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was all because I missed AkuRoku Day and went crazy. There is one quote-thing- that is not Disney and I'm sorry for that. Happy Belated AkuRoku Day!!!!!!! Even though it was pure madness I had fun writing this.


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